Look up ...

Welcome to Canada

2010-07-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have this theory that if I post this picture here, I will be able to use the URL to post it elsewhere. It's a cheap idea but....let's see if it works.

Now that I see it though...the quality isn't there. :(

VIDEO - Canadian Mountain Spirituality

2010-01-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

CANADIAN MOUNTAIN SPIRITUALITY

Fourth Video Project

This is a video I made for a college presentation on Canadian Mountain Spirituality for my Contemporary Spirituality class. The emphasis on this presentation was a discussion of place and the effect it can have on the spiritual formation of one's life. My own life has been drastically shaped by the landscape of the Canadian Mountains and understanding them will help a person understand who I am. The point of this small video was to show with pictures what words could not say - that is the beauty and wonder of a landscape that will eternally etch itself onto the foundations of one's soul.

VIDEO - Ladies Ranch Trip

2010-01-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

LADIES RANCH TRIP

Third Video Project

I made this video after a summer weekend I spent with my roomate at the time - Maria - and her friends at her family ranch. It was a really relaxing weekend with these ladies as we all just chilled with each other and with the horses. This video was a reminder to me of what a pleasant, wholesome weekend that I had with them.

VIDEO - LifeForce Office

2010-01-01T17:33:00.001-08:00

LIFEFORCE OFFICE

Second Video Project

This is a video I made in memory of a volunteer job during the first year that I was in Calgary, in the winter of 2005. I ended up creating a filing system for the dramas of the missions organization that I had travelled with a year earlier. My best friend at the time, Nichole, joined me in the office to help out and we would often goof off together. One day we were cleaning out the back of the loading dock when we stumbled upon some boxes and bags fills with ugly old sweaters that were navy blue and had the letters T (for Toronto) and O (for Ottawa) on them and bright neon pink trucker caps. We were thrilled with our discovery and decided then and there to make a clothing company called TO (for Toronto and Ottawa) and we spent the rest of the day and week outfitting people around the office with bright neon pink trucker hats and taking pictures of them. Later I put all of these pictures together in an homage not only to my experience at the LifeForce office, but also to the relationship that Nichole and I shared at that time. She was the first really good friend that I've ever had.

VIDEO - Summertime

2008-09-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

The movies I make are really special to me: individual projects in their own right. When I make them, I am usually making them based on something that is important to me: usually an experience, but sometimes also a concept or a song, or something else close to my soul. These might not mean much to the casual observer, but I hope you enjoy them if you watch them!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUMMERTIME
First Video Project

This is a memory from the summer of 2005, right after I got off of LifeForce. It was probably the best summer of my life: I hung out a lot with friends, went hiking, travelled to the States with my family, went camping and boating on the lake and worked in an ice cream parlour. It was also a summer of expectation and waiting, because I knew that in the fall, God would embark me on a brand new journey that would lead to a new chapter in my life: which He did.

8. LF - Harvey

2008-09-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

Eighth entry. Life Force Joural Entries Project.

------------------------------------------------------------

April 30, 2005 – Expanded on a Summary: Harvey, NB

The teachers were threatening to go on strike during our 2 week visit to Fredericton. This meant that no schools would take us in to perform our major presentation. We ended up spending a lot of the time discipling the church youth in after school programs that they could invite their unsaved friends to. Despite the roadblocks in the way for access into the public school system, a door was miraculously opened in a town about an hour away from Fredericton: Harvey, NB.

So we went to Harvey High and did an evening outreach here. We did our main play and a number of smaller skits as well. We also spent a lot of time hanging out with the kids beforehand. It was kind of fun just chilling with everyone, watching the skaters do their thing. That evening after the gospel presentation 6 people got saved. Several other kids gave their contact information, which we gave to the local church so they could be followed up on their confusion to the gospel message. [There were many more kids interested in what we had to say that evening, but didn’t want to take the step to get to know Christ. They still had lots of questions and we weren’t going to be around long enough to answer those. This is why we tried to connect them to the local church].

That evening I found myself wandering around as usual after the gospel presentation. Most of my team had found people who had raised their hands to accept Christ into their lives and were praying with them right then. There was no one left for me to pray with. Some of the local Christians came down and started congregating around us, obviously comfortable entering the LifeForce ‘Christian’ circle. For some reason I didn’t want to talk with them right then. My heart with still pounding with the earnesty of the gospel message that had just been shared and I suspected that there might be more unsaved kids around who would need my attention more than these socializing Christians. I prayed to God for guidance. Up until this point in the mission I was still very disappointed with my lack of ability to share the gospel out of my own initiative with anyone on the road. It’s a personal barrier I guess. Saying a quick prayer in my heart, I decided to take a quick exit outdoors where most of the youth who were not Christian or looking to become Christian had congregated.

After coming outside it didn’t take me long to see her. Sitting curled against the wall was a young lady with tears rolling down her cheeks. Praying to God that He would control the butterflies rolling around in my stomach I sat down and began to talk to her. She had heard the gospel message and was feeling very confused. I tried answering what questions I could but she still felt unsure about the whole thing. We talked for about ½ an hour and in the end I did manage to get the question out about whether she wanted to accept this thing. She didn’t. She was willing, however, to give me her contact information so I could pass it on to the local pastor. I walked away from that experience feeling like it was the most significant personal ministry I did the entire trip in terms of one-on-one evangelism.

[Later, after LifeForce, I was able to talk to one of the pastors who was with us during the course of our ministry in Harvey and Fredericton. He said that our team was one of the best that his church had ever hosted. The after-school ministry that we gave had really encouraged the youth group and brought about growth in their spiritual lives. There had been some bad feedback from our ministry in Harvey, however. Apparently some of the teachers who were there were not impressed with what they saw. What they saw was a team dashing out into the audience of teenagers and throwing candy at them, which only got the kids excited, only to come out 2 seconds later and tell the students to be quiet so they could share the gospel message. When I heard this I understood exactly the reservations the Harvey High School felt about hosting a LifeForce team again. We should have been more spiritually sensitive to the crowd and not have tried to buy them off with throwing sound-provoking candy one minute and telling them to be quiet the next. The gospel came off in that situation to those people as something that we were trying to sell in a hypocritical fashion].

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's the last entry for this project - woohoo! I can't believe it took me 2 years to post 8 entries.

Even though it has been so long since I originally wrote the entries and attached them to the paper, I remember how much significance doing this project had for my life. When I had left the LifeForce experience, I found myself with a lot of questions, and a handful of bitterness. As I meditated on the journey, I found myself disagreeing with a lot of what we did, even with some of the basic principles of the program. Being able to interview the director's of the program and talk to people whom we had contact with, help me to see hope in all the futility. I began to realize that there was a point to it all. At the same time, the issues didn't completely disappear. The project helped to heal most my bitterness but not all of my skepticism. As I have continued to study at school and discover what I truly believe, I have learned that more than ever there are things that happened while on LifeForce that I don't agree with. At the same time, it was a wonderful and precious experience to my life, and it changed my life so much that I wouldn't be the person I am today without experiencing it. Undoubtedly I owe LifeForce a debt of personal gratitude for how it has affected my life.

Meditation - HIDDEN

2008-09-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

The thing I love most about the picture I drew, is how she is so obviously hidden in plain sight. And yet, she is also so alone and shrouded in darkness. Even the writing on the wall is an oxymoron, announcing the hiddeness of the picture plainly for all to see.

When I was younger and played hide and go seek, I quickly learned that the best places to hide were the most obvious ones. Just as long as I was in the dark, any corner of the room would do.

This is how most people hide, I think.

I remember during some of the most darkest moments of my life, when I would be going about life as normal, and then suddenly be gripped by an unreasonable fear. I would flee to the closest empty room and sit there crouched in the darkness, shivering and crying in fear to God to save me. I remember being older, going to public school and hiding from the world in a forgotten corner of the library: hidden in plain sight, scared of people, of being discovered. And yet, what I wanted most was for someone to discover me, to embrace me, to wrap my soul in a warmth of light it had never truly known. In these older years the tears were felt more inside than outwards, also hidden and begging for love and acceptance.

When I drew this picture, I drew it thinking of the child who cried in the dark obvious and yet ignored and forgotten corners of existence. In many ways, this is also the most childish of drawings in the series - since I drew it in crayon. Yet, at the top written in little tiny letters that most people cannot see is a prayer. It is a prayer asking for what it hidden in this picture: hope.

I think most people know how to hide in plain sight. I look at this picture, at this meditation and know that I am not telling only my story. Whether it's a dark corner, a library cubicle, a computer, or a smile that someone is hiding behind, deep down we are all hiding something, and that something has to do with the desire to have "love embrace us" and "peace overtake us."

No one wants to be alone in the dark.

Art - HIDDEN

2008-09-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

HIDDEN

Third Entry - Soul Art Project

"Broken soul, hidden from the light. The strength I want is the strength I don't have. My will to fight is lost in tears. Whose love will embrace me? Whose peace will overtake me? I am alone in the dark. "

Get those projects done!

2007-07-28T22:14:00.000-07:00

This will be the fourth entry I post on here tonight. I'm trying to get the LifeForce entry done before I start more entries, and I have finally been able to continue with my soul art project! I finally figured out how I can get around the fact that my scanner isn't working by using my digital camera to copy these pictures onto my computer. So this means there will be more pictures and meditations posted in the future, although I will admit that I feel a little outdated doing the meditations now. I drew these pictures last summer during a time in my life that was very dark, lonely and broken. The pictures weren't about that time though. Last summer was just a reminder of darker, more lonely and more broken times in my life and that is what the pictures represent. So, forgive me, but to do meditations now will feel very superficial, but I still need to do them. I need to explain just a bit, even if it is only a hint, of how each picture reflects part of my soul. Please ask questions if you have any regarding the pictures.

I apologize for saying I was going to start an anime project and then not getting started on it right away. Life and laziness has gotten in the way. I still want to continue with it eventually but it may still take a while for me to get there.

Meditation - SOLITARE

2007-07-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

The person in solitare is someone I'm very familiar with. The girl in the picture is me. I've walked her path of loneliness so many times. I've experiences the desolation of barren hills and desire for but one touch or glance to break through the emptiness. I'm sure this girl is other people too. Surely I'm not the only one to have ever felt alone.

Right now, though, looking at the girl I realize that I'm not her, at the moment at least. My life is full of people and life. Right now I'm in day. But not always. When I drew the picture I was in night and the night that I was in when I was drawing in wasn't nearly as black as the memory of the night I was drawing. It was a night that was truly empty; there were no friends to run to. There was only light - the light of hope, of God. But when a person is alone, God's light can feel very empty. No matter how bright God's presence is in a person's life, it doesn't erase the fact that the person is standing on a barren life hill with no one else in flesh to touch, or to cry with them.

The girl in solitare is absolute loneliness. It's desolation. Has she been abandoned, or has she chosen to walk that way? Maybe it's just the path of life, a path that leads over one rolling hill after the other.

It hurts to walk alone though. To make a journey alone. I remember once on LifeForce, during a time when all I wanted was to be alone that I went on a walk. It was in Newfoundland in the middle of winter and I walked down to the ocean. There I combed the frosted shore and picked up shells setting them up as a small shrine in the snow. Looking at my small collection I felt a pang of loneliness, for despite my desire for solitude, I had just made a journey and a discovery and I had no one to share it with. More than half of my life has felt like that. I'm constantly journeying somewhere - constantly pushing forward, but no one is joining me.

Why does the walk of life have to be so lonely? How many people are walking solitare? How can I help by being that voice - or touch?

(to see entry one, UNDONE, which was posted very long ago, please click on this link)

Art - SOLITARE

2007-07-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

SOLITARE

Second Entry - Soul Art Project.

"Here I am. I walk alone. Only emptiness and light. Noble soul, stumbling forwards, the moon only as a guide. Silence consumes as the barren hills listen. I cry for a touch - for a voice."

7. LF - New Glasgow

2007-07-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Entry Seven. LifeForce Journal Entries Project.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 10, 2005 – Big Event Night in New Glasgow, NS

Friday was our big presentation night. We spent a portion of our afternoon spiritually preparing ourselves. Set-up started after supper. One of my jobs was to go around and record damages for the janitor so we wouldn’t get charged for any of them… We performed “How Cool are You?” this night which Joel spoke after and then “Walking Wounded” to which the pastor gave a brief gospel message. Jane later told me that one of the girls she talked to after accepted Christ into her heart. I wish I had the ease Jane does in sharing the gospel personally with other people and leading them to Christ. The night closed off well. The janitor was so happy with the state we left the school that he wanted us back every night. A number of the first-time kids said they’d come back to the youth event happening later this month. [We would be gone by then, so it would be up to the pastor to follow up on these youth].

6. LF- Port Saunders

2007-07-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

Sixth entry. LifeForce Journal Entries Project.

----------------------------------------------------------------

March 22, 2005 – Sharing the Gospel in Port Saunders, NL

I did awful lot if Bible reading that week. Actually that past Saturday I had added another element to my Bible reading: the story of the death and resurrection of Jesus. I read it for 12 days over and over again and just found myself astounded with how much Jesus went through for us and how much everyone hated Him and didn’t respect God in Him, even after the resurrection… With all my reading, memorization and prayer I was at such a peace this week….
Thursday night was a hang-out night at the school. Despite the huge hockey tournament happening in town the turnout at the school was amazing. Instead of teaching drama, as was our original intention, Joel broke down [taught] break dancing… After break dancing we did a small drama program at the end having me sharing both my testimony AND the gospel message for the first time on the road. Because of my repetition of the death and resurrection in my own devotions I found my mind reliving the whole thing yet again as I shared it. Late I was told that I did a good job and that the message was really clear. I’m beginning to enjoy getting told last minute that I’m speaking because then when it happens and I do a good job I really can’t take any credit but attest it to God’s grace and faithfulness.
Friday night was our closing rally. This night we shared the gospel again closing up with an altar call. Thirteen girls came forward to accept Christ. When I took 5 of the girls aside to talk about their decisions my fear of the sheep syndrome was almost confirmed when all they wanted to do was giggle about guys. I don’t know what went on in their hearts though. After hearing from some of the local Christians about other attempts to reach these girls I’m beginning to think that perhaps there was hope. [Apparently a ministry had been going on in the local youth group for a while and this was the first time these girls had ever responded to anything like this].
[I was able to talk to some of these girls over MSN after LifeForce finished. Curious about what their decision to accept Christ in their life meant to them I asked them about it. The response I got was “It’s good, I guess.” The girls still didn’t seem to have much concept of their decision; there was no life-changing moment in it. Although they had fun with us as a team and responded to our altar call, I can’t help but feel like they were responding to us and not to God. Somehow He needs to become the center again and I wish my team had been better at placing Him there].

Introduction to anime project.

2007-07-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

Update: Anime Project cancelled. I didn't have enough righting to go along with all my watching.

I've finally decided on a new project! But...it will have some serious repercussions. Because of the nature of a soul project it was inevitable for this to happen. In short the content of this next project will have me restricting this journal to invited friends only. Some of the stuff that I will be writing about is just to personal and precious to me to risk it on the public. Before now I was sharing parts of my soul that had already been resolved or that I was comfortable showing. This next project will not be like that.

In the past little while I have found myself immersed in tv series called anime. For those who don't know, anime is a Japenese form of animation that has become its own unique art form. It's really steeped heavily in Japanese culture which can often be at odds with traditional North American culture, thus if anyone chooses to watch the episodes that I will link reference too, be prepared for a bit of a culture shock. I enjoy anime though. Lately it has really been getting me to think deeply about some aspects of my life. After writing a couple of personal responses I have decided to make a soul project out of it and continue with my personal responses on this blog. I don't know how long this project will be, but for now it has begun.

Hopefully my first post will be up in the next couple of days.
I will be continuing my LifeFORCE project too, until it is done.

Blog Purpose Statement

2007-06-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

After a little bit of thinking I have decided to give this blogspot journal purpose. I know I have a million other online blogs (only 4 more, but who's counting?), but they each have a purpose, or at least they all did but this one. I don't even have to start from scratch though to give this journal purpose, I can build on what I have. This is NOW officially my PROJECT JOURNAL. I'm currently in the middle of posting a series of 8 journal entries from when I was travelling across Canada with my team and it's called my "LifeForce Journal Entries Project" I typed and edited those entries for a school project and thought that it would be nice to post them to let them get some extra mileage.

Another project that I'm going to officially name is regarding a picture I posted on this journal a long time ago. It was a piece of art I drew from my soul depicting a young girl in complete anguish on a high tower. Since that time I have drawn more pictures in a series of this girl, each with a different medium (one is pen, another pencil crayon, another crayon, another a mixture of everything). I only have one picture left to draw to finish the series (in pencil), but I haven't been moved spiritually to do it yet. Each picture though is a snapshot of my soul as it is and has been. Hence I will continue to scan and post this series of pictures and call it my Soul Art Project.

I know no one reads this journal. There has been no reason to in the past. Maybe now there will be.

5. LF - Rocky Harbour

2007-06-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

Fifth Entry. LifeForce Journal Entries Project.

The continuing saga of entries from my trip across Canada with LifeForce in 2004-2005.
-----------------------------------------------

March 8, 2005 – Rocking the Boat in Rocky Harbour, NL

We have just finished another short mission to a small place by the ocean called Rocky Harbour [also in Newfoundland]. It was weird coming to this place knowing that we’d be here for only 3 days… Sunday night we did the church service. Renee told me about 5 minutes before we started that I was sharing my testimony. Did I have any drama that I wanted to speak off of? I took a second to pray about what I’d share on and settled with a message of freedom. Thus “Walls” was performed for the first time in over a month and I spoke my testimony, disclosing the fact that you can still be a Christian and get trapped in things but God wants to, and can, set you free. To tie it all up I used Ps. 72:12-14. [“For He will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence for precious is their blood in His sight.”] I was surprised at how well the message came out. It was one of those God-orchestrated things where I didn’t have any words planned out, just a general direction and somehow, through His mercy, I came through looking passionate and persuasive.
Tuesday, today, was our busy day. This morning we did two ‘How Cool are You?’ performances that the principal liked so much that we did a program for the elementary kids in the afternoon with a focus on bullying. Then, this evening we had our gospel presentation… The gospel message was presented that night to the youth group. When the pastor gave the salvation stand option no one stood at first. Then everyone stood. The very fact that people waited until they knew someone else was standing up made me wonder how much of them were just standing because everyone else was or because they really wanted to? I also wondered if anyone in the youth group actually believed in Jesus at all before this or if they had taken their commitment before so lightly they felt like they had to do it again.
I went to talk to a young lady I had been chatting with though: Shelagh, who’s 12 and very pretty with blonde curly hair. I asked her if she knew why she stood and she said not really. [It looks like my wonderings were justified]. So I explained the concept to her. I also asked if she had done this before and she said no. Thus I used Romans 10:9-10 to teach her about salvation. [“If you confess with your mouth “Jesus is Lord” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead you will be saved…”] Then I taught her a bit about how to pray: just talk to God. [These kids need teaching so badly! They’re in youth group and they have never been introduced to Jesus or even taught how to pray. I felt so sad about this]. She felt weird and awkward I know, but I wanted her to feel or understand a bit about how to build that relationship with God. Finally I asked her if she had a Bible. She said “yes” but that it didn’t really mean anything to her. So I took her aside and showed her I John 4 – the love chapter, showing her how in some ways she can process what the Bible says. I don’t know how her faith walk will go but I’m leaving feeling like I gave her the best basics I could for her to base her faith on. [At least the best I could give for the hour I was given to talk to her. I tried to teach her what her decision to follow Jesus meant, how to pray and how to read the Bible.] If she does take the time to read the Bible and pray and if she did believe the very thing she confessed then her relationship with God will grow. I hope it does.

4. LF - Deer Lake

2007-04-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

Fourth entry. LifeForce Journal Entries Project.
---------------------------------------------------------------

March 7, 2005 – The Mission at Deer Lake, NL

Sunday night we met and performed for the church [this was our first presentation together as team since we arrive in Deer Lake]. Throughout the whole time there I was really impressed at how the church seemed to rally behind us. Pastor Glen, earlier that day when meeting us said he expected children to get saved. This struck me because I knew that he meant it and not only because the LifeForce team was there [as some churches tend to think] but because of all the seed he had sown and watered. All this positive support helped me realize this was going to be a good week. [We had just come off a number of bad weeks. Team dynamics were down and everyone was getting into conflict with everyone else. I had personally just come through a large struggle with depression. Needless to say our team dynamics had translated into our performances and messages over the past couple of weeks, proving our team to be ineffectual. The lesson to be learned from this is that the gospel can only be truly and effectually shared when there is unity in the body of Christ.].
After wasting all of my free time Sunday and Monday, I decided to smarten up and go on a free time fast. Instead of playing my gameboy when I had a spare moment I’d pick up the Bible and read from one of the three books I was working on. And so I began to read, every spare moment I had, save the few times I used the computer. By the end of the day such a transformation had overcome me – I was energized by the Word of God! I stood on the porch of my billets with snow falling lightly around me that night and purposed in my heart to do it the next day too… Wednesday dawned and I continued with my whirlwind devotions. It was harder this day because there was other stuff I wanted to do at times. I kept focus though… [Upon having a conversation with my team leader] I suddenly realized that I hadn’t been nearly as annoyed or distracted for a couple of days, actually since I had begun my switched devotional focus. I knew then that taking the focus and putting it on God’s Word had created healing inside of me… It was in this meeting that I discovered that my mental well-being would be dependant on the amount of time I spent with God and in His word. From this point out I’ve been walking in the confidence of God’s Word. [My ministry changed after this revelation and became a lot more God focused. It’s not to say I did not fail again but I became I lot more in tune with God’s heart and voice and believe I became a more relevant witness as a result].
Our schedule for the week was as follows: on Monday we did a performance of ‘How Cool are you?’ [this was our main dramatic production that we would take to the public schools] for the junior highs. All went well except the technical problems which allowed for much sound to be lost [and how can you share a message to people who can’t hear what you’re saying?]. Tuesday we did the same performance for the senior highs and everything went much better. Wednesday was the day of our large night service. After my meeting with my leader we came to the conclusion that we always ask God to take control of the service but we are at the same time so consumed with ourselves. We needed to lay these things down to be effective. That night our plays were a bit choppy but the gospel message was presented and about 20 kids responded to the altar call. For the first time since I was like 6, I led someone through the confession of Christ. Two girls in fact. Despite this honour it feels about as real to me as those 2 girls I led in prayer at Deep Lake when I was about 6 [it feels like a dream, like it wasn’t really real]. I wasn’t really excited about it. I figure I’d be quite excited though if I came back in a year and found these two 12-year-old girls living and growing in Christ. [This growth for me has come to define the salvation experience. After this experience I realized that it wasn’t enough for me to just lead people to Christ. I wanted them to grow in Him too. Unfortunately, our stay as a team in these towns was too short to undertake any discipleship training. It would be up to the churches to disciple these kids. Some churches were really ill-equipped to do this, but this church in Deer Lake was different. These people had already invested in these children and were ready to take them in and disciple them. This is what made this particular stop on our journey different from all the rest. For some reason the churches we visited tended to have one of two main mentalities. First was that no one was going to come to Christ, even if we did come and share the gospel message. The second was that since the LifeForce team was there people were going to get saved because the LifeForce team can work magic that way, but these second people have no plan to lead these kids to Christ themselves or to disciple them. The success of our gospel presentation relied very much so on the attitude of the church who ‘paved the way before us’].

3. LF - Miramichi

2007-03-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

Entry Three. LifeForce Journal Entries Project.
----------------------------------------------------------------

February 23, 2005 – Meeting in Miramichi, NB

That evening we went to a city a ways away and played one round of capture the flag with the youth group there before huddling in cold before the fire. After food and drink we al went in and the LifeForcers put on a brief program. I spoke after Nichole’s rendition of Banana Man, aka Strawberry Girl, this time turning the message not into drugs & alcohol but about distractions in our life which catch our attention and prevent us from getting to God. Liz held the night though, telling a heartbreaking story of a girl she met in Winnipeg [that was the camp trip]. That night after getting home I found the internet working and so wrote an email to one of the girls I had met that night. Keely and her friend, Tara, I had just met and I don’t know if it was just because I was coming off a good day, but I got along really well with them for the ½ an hour that we talked. [Up until this point on the trip I had not been able to instantly bond with anyone we had met. Every relationship I had tried to form had been a labouring process. This one relationship however was different. I was a little bummed that God would make it so that I would bond so deeply and automatically with a girl that I would only be able to talk to in person for about ½ an hour]. I’m so disappointed we didn’t get to know each other better. So we’ll see if we can actually keep in contact.
[My hope was realized and we kept in contact. Now, years later, I can see why God made me and Keely to be friends that day. We still talk from time to time, and Keely’s story is not pretty. After the LifeForce team left she found herself thrown into a number of compromising and abusive situations. What she has gone through is so personal and terrible I would not be able to repeat it to anyone. Our ½ an hour of personal conversation opened up a channel for conversation that ended up happening over the internet. At times when she has needed someone to listen to what she has been through, she has chosen to talk to me. I am a person she feels comfortable telling and as a result I am able to encourage her in her faith. To this day I still have the opportunity to minister to this young lady who has struggled so much in the past couple of years, and while this isn’t a ministry that is in the LifeForce job description, this is a ministry that God has called me to].

2. LF - New York

2007-03-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Entry Two. LifeForce Journal Entries Project.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

February 12, 2005 – New York City Street Ministry, NY

The item of business for the day? The Relief Bus. The Relief Bus is an organization that takes old buses, makes soup kitchens out of them, then goes out on the streets and serves the people with what they can: food, Bibles, literature, employment/housing opportunities and prayer…The Relief Bus we went to was in Manhatten and while walking we could see the Empire State Building. I started out on the bus with Nichole: me dishing out the rice vegetable soup and her adding all the accessories [which would be the buns, cutlery, etc.]. After an hour or so in there we went out and mingled with the locals for the next 3 hours. Ow, my head and ears hurt from listening but by the end, nevertheless, I had had many interesting conversations. One gentleman was interested in LifeForce thinking he knew what it was so I gave him the LifeForce website address. Nichole and I prayed for a gentleman who was in the hospital with asthma and bronchitis, and we had a conversation with a lady from Estonia. This lady was a story in herself, we must have talked to her for an hour. Here is a summary of our conversation,
“Sweden: good, beautiful country. Go visit. Russia: bad, not people but government. Don’t go to Russia. Love to ski. Wisconsin favourite state. Found best friend there; skied with him 2 weeks. Friend in hospital with cancer. Canada a lot like Estonia.”
This lady was so animated and enthusiastic. She would talk with jigs and dances and a thick accent. Nevertheless she got me thinking about my Russian heritage.
[I’m really happy I got to be involved in street ministry that day. I walked away from that experience feeling more like those people affected me than I affected them. They are influenced by this mercy ministry every day. Being able to listen to these people’s stories was as much of an evangelistic ministry as sharing the gospel sometimes is. There were a few times the conversation did steer to spiritual things and it was in those moments that we got to pray for these people. We didn’t ‘save’ any souls that day but that isn’t necessarily supposed to be the goal of evangelism. That day we got to love people, and as a response we were able to connect with them on a personal level. If we had focused on just pounding in the gospel at the moment I do not doubt that people would have been offended and walked away. What they needed was just people who would listen to them and try to understand them].

1. LF - Winnipeg

2007-03-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have decided to post LifeForce journal entries that I have prepared for an assignment of my on this blog. This is stuff that happened about 2 years ago. It has been edited, shortened in some places to eliminate the irrelevant to my assignment and elongated in areas [marked in these parenthesis] to add a present perspective and explanation. I have 8 entries and I will be adding one every couple of days. Enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------

January 27, 2005 – Winnipeg Camp Weekend, MB

Friday night was the night we left for camp. [This camp was in Winnipeg, Manitoba. It was the 2nd week of our mission and we were about to be camp counsellors to a bunch of inner-city children from hard walks of life. The majority of these children were of aboriginal descent and a large number of them from non-Christian homes, which were often abusive, drunken and under-privileged.] I was placed in a cabin with 5 other girls: Bobby, Cheyanne, Anna, Jessica and Sarah and two other counsellors: Margo and Nikki. Camp was a draining experience….Joel spoke that night, a good message but it wasn’t quite listened to by the children. [They had too much energy and were easily distracted]. The next morning Liz spoke as a crazed professor talking about obedience. The kids paid a lot more attention this time. [The approach was better and more culturally appropriate to the children. Kids like seeing someone act like someone else, even if that person is talking about obedience.]…The next night was ‘the big night’ and Simon and Cody spoke that evening on the prodigal son. [Kids really paid attention that evening. I think the use of tag team kept their attention and the message of the prodigal son was relevant to their home lives] Afterwards about 5 kids accepted the Lord as their Saviour. I tried to be open to the Lord’s voice but I had trouble hearing anything. [I realized later that my error was in waiting for someone to approach me when I should have been approaching the kids instead. If I had to do this again I would have tried talking to the kids a whole lot more readily than I did that night. I was too worried about pushing people in the wrong direction, instead of understanding that sometimes the process of salvation needs a little pushing by nature]. It wasn’t until the next morning I learned that Bobby had accepted the Lord with Jane.
The next morning Jane and Nichole spoke. It was a simple and yet profound message that God is always there. I wasn’t sure it had had that much affect on the girls but when I started having problems with Anna well, I still didn’t suspect anything. [Note to self: work more on developing spiritual sensitivity]. When I found her crying outside that’s when I began to suspect. I thought she was angry at me but I soon learned she wasn’t. [I know that if I dealt with these type of children again I would take things less personally. They have such tumultuous pasts that I should have been more sensitive to that]. She said she was angry at another one of the girls but I knew it was more than that so I invited her inside, where it was warmer. [We were both standing outside in the middle of a Manitoba winter without jackets and shoes on]. We went to the shower stalls and there I prayed for her. I tried to do more but I still wasn’t getting through, so when she asked for Bobby I agreed. Maybe Bobby would share her salvation experience, if not then I knew Bobby would still support Anna.
Nothing happened that day for Anna, but that was the most in-depth ministry I did there. [I wish I could have done more but I have yet to master my personal hesitations over sharing the gospel]. The fact was that most of the time that I was at the camp I was chasing girls, making sure we were doing whatever we needed to be doing. [Even though there were 3 counsellors for 5 girls, events lent themselves to allow for very little personal one-on-one time]. Although all the other LifeForcers were there I barely talked to them, and when I did it was only for a couple of seconds. [The children really were our first priority and they were a full-time job]. I was glad when the weekend was over. I was drained and discouraged. Discouraged mainly because I felt ineffective because it seemed like I helped no one. I mean my heart didn’t even break for the kids like I wanted it to!
[Now as I look back on this experience I realize that despite my hesitations in sharing the gospel, I was still able to impact lives that weekend. We were taken aside later and told how much having people like us there positively influenced the kids who had come from such troubled homes. For those children to have people who would love on them all weekend, and who would be patient as opposed to abusive was more than they usually received. We only saw 5 salvations that weekend, but I believe that we planted and watered seeds for many more].

Meditation - UNDONE

2006-07-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'd write in my paper journal, but for some reason, God confiscated it from me for the past couple of weeks. And, this entry is so personal that I just can't seem to write it on livejournal. It has to do with the picture below, in the previous post. I drew it from a vision. Ever since I've gotten it out on paper it's haunted me. Just for the record, I don't often draw that good. I felt the need to portray some sort of emotion/state in the picture, and for some reason, I succeeded.

I went for a walk tonight. I've been so lost lately in just the monotony of life. It continually threatens to envelope me. I go to work and stare blankly at a computer all day waiting for the phone to ring and then I come home, walk in circles a couple of times before I just give up and settle on my favorite couch with my gameboy.

All the while, inside I feel shadows of the picture wash over me. Different elements - the height, the dark hole, the desparation, the loneliness - assault me at all different times. I would say that I'm a mess, but the truth is I don't know what I am.

I want to be a mess. I want to be a spiritual portrayal of that picture. I'm tired of only feeling the shadows of desparation pass over me. I'm tired of only imagining the tower. I don't want to be caught in a half-way state! I need to be there. I need to be broken. I need to be destitute. I need to be undone.

I don't think even I comprehend the magnitude of what I'm saying. And yet as I sat on the hill tonight and my mind turned to the picture, I could see her despair and how beautiful it was. How alluring. How effective. The degree of brokenness she portrayed just cuts at the heart, because what she's showing is what everyone must feel sometime or another.

So I sat there and I wanted to be her. In the silence a revelation/question came over me: I need to be able to cry out! I need to scream! I need to reach that place of brokeness where I just collapse in my agony and let it rip. I need to shout! I need to wail! I need to find a voice to express something completely unearthly and spiritual.

I suppose the best qway to describe and summarize what I'm trying to say is that I want to be a child that God will want to hold in His arms. I'm so tired of being dependant on myself.

Art - UNDONE

2006-07-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

UNDONE

First Entry - Soul Art Project.

A state. My heart aches and breaks. Clad in rags, in a forbidden tower. Alone, and alone. Hear my cry, my voice. It says more than release me. Answer my prayer; I am lost up here.

Intro & Blog Links

2006-06-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

I was finally convinced to do this blogspot by Nichole Hanson. It has become a dream of our to start a joint journal where we can encourage each other, and other people together.

I didn't ever think I would have such an ecclectic assortment of journals.

If you would like to read other blogs of mine, you can navigate to the following links.

Danaya's Livejournal - Long musing about her life.
Danaya's Myspace - Short random quips
Danaya's Website - Testimony and written works

Two Stone Journal - Mine & Nichole's discussion of faith.

If at this moment you're thinking "This girl has way too much on the go. What on earth is she doing starting something else?" Well, you're probably right. But I'm looking forward to expanding my online horizons once again.

Thanks for reading!